Biggest Heartbreak yet, where I've been......

So my heart is slowly mending.....

Since everything that has happened these past few months I have not been able to touch the blog, to write down what happened & how I was feeling & going through was just way too hard & upsetting.

So if you read the blog you know we were doing a cycle with donor eggs, everything went really well and after 2 weeks my blood test came back positive, we were thrilled but a little cautious as we had been here before. The Second blood test came back with all the levels rising and everything looking great & our first scan appointment was made. Apart from being thrilled & excited I was relieved, that all this struggling to have a family was finally over & we were on our way. We couldn't wait to tell our families and the 3 month mark would be up just after Leigh's birthday at the end of October. I also thought what a happy Christmas this would be as I would be 4.5 months pregnant and knowing that next Christmas our little one would be here.

Everything was going great, I had no morning sickness, my sleep had improved and my health for those couple of weeks was great. The day before the first scan I went to the bathroom to discover I was bleeding & started to panic & cry "not again'. I phoned Dr J's rooms and she wanted to see me straight away and do the scan one day early. My heart was beating so fast with dread that it made it hard for Dr J to do the scan but once I had settled, it was all good news. Some type of blood vessel had burst & that's what the blood was, but all was good & I got to see our little foetus on screen & pictures to take home.

Boy I slept well that night after that scare, a week later I started to have some light bleeding again and just to be on the safe side called Dr J who had me come in the next morning. We both tried to convince ourselves everything would be OK as it had been last time but I still felt sick with dread something had gone wrong. This was confirmed when Dr J was doing the scan and she said " I'm so sorry guys but there's nothing there, you've miscarried ". I amazingly made it out of her rooms without crying and hubby took care of all the paperwork for the D & C they had scheduled the following day. (Dr J wanted to be able to test for any abnormalities etc...)

When we got home we both just threw ourselves on the bed & cried at the same time for about an hour, not able to speak. I couldn't imagine how anything could feel worse than this & at that moment decided I really didn't want to go on. The D & C the next day was awful, every time a nurse came to do paperwork or discuss my procedure I would break down (I hate crying in front of people). I woke up from the procedure with the worst stomach pain imaginable and told the nurses who slipped something in my drip and made that pain at least, better.

I saw my therapist who upped my anti depressant to be on the safe side as my mood was so low, I hoped each week I would feel better but each week things got a little bit worse. Crying was about the only thing I did and my mood just swung between sadness & anger. I couldn't concentrate so my on line business got put on hold practically, nor could I read. I took comfort in sleeping as many hours as I could so I didn't have to be awake and think about it all. The rest of the time I just watched TV shows that were easy to follow and provided some distraction. We had plans to go away for hubby's birthday which we could not cancel & also he had a work trip to Sydney - being away for a few days each time made things a little better but as soon as I returned home, things were just the same if not worse.

We saw Dr J and all the tests came back normal, it was a girl & there were no abnormalities so I was just the 1 in 3 of women who miscarry for no reason. The news was good meaning there was no abnormalities with our embryos but knowing I had lost a little girl made it all seem more real and worse. We talked to Dr J about doing a frozen cycle in December and she started me on all the medications and we were set to go. However a few days into the medication and about 12 days out from transfer I began to worry. I didn't think I could do another round because if the same thing happened again there was no way I could cope. The fear of that happening mixed in with my current emotional state was just to much to handle. We discussed things and agreed to take a break and try again when I was feeling stronger.

My mood kept getting worse and having had depression before I knew that 8 weeks after the miscarriage I should not be feeling so bad, I should be starting to feel better. In mid December things got really bad, bad enough I wanted to take my own life & I even made a feeble attempt at doing this. I knew I needed help so I asked for it, I went to hospital a few days later where I was taken off the anti depressant I was on and placed on a new one & given something for my anxiety. I wont bore you with the details of my week in hospital except to say I hated being there but knew I needed to be & in the end it did help.

Christmas felt quite sombre, I didn't send any cards and all I could think about was how far along in the pregnancy I would have been. Hubby had 2 weeks off and we spent some quality time together, feeling a bit better we watched movies, went swimming nothing earth shattering but things I hadn't been able to do in a long time. I also took a book to hospital to see if I could get my concentration back and start reading again. It worked and since I left hospital have been back to reading my usual book per week pretty much. I also spent a lot of time in the past 2 weeks fixing up my on line site & taking inventory, photographing & listing things for sale again.

I also decided it was time to lose this excess weight I have gained in the past 3 years from depression & the 10 IVF treatments, I started eating healthy etc... and have already lost some weight. I also think I will go ahead with a surgery to help me lose the weight quicker and keep it off.  I didn't want to do another round of IVF until I had lost a significant amount of the weight  before going back to see Dr J, that way it was another factor that can cause problems we could rule out. We decided to take a break for a year to give me time to get healthy & fit again. We then started talking about going away as we have not had a proper holiday in nearly 8 years. We are discussing places to go (Europe as we've never been is winning at present!) we have to save up etc... so the trip would not be till most likely Sept 2014.

So at present the plan is to get fit & healthy, save up for & look forward to this break then try a frozen cycle of IVF when we get back from our trip. The thought of not actively trying for a baby for 18 months or more does scare me. For the past 3 years that's what my whole life has been about. I feel pangs of sadness when I hear of others pregnancies knowing they will have a child before me but its the decision & plan we've made and I think its the right one as the thought of suffering another miscarriage still terrifies me and hopefully after that time lapse, my fears wont be as bad.

So its time to get back to being just me/us again for the time being. I feel a little hopeless and think we will never have a family, hubby still has faith. So for now its a long break to get everything back to normal & possibly even better than before with me & maybe after that break we will finally get our longed for baby.

New donor, New Cycle, New Hope

So here I am about to embark on my 10th IVF cycle but this time things are very different.

Since my last post I met the most amazing donor, Super donor D has been a godsend and all because I couldn't take the forums and all there rules anymore I put a post on twitter with a link to my last post and Super donor D answered my desperate plea.

Super Donor D is from Victoria so we met for the first time in July and went through all the obligatory appointments and counselling, besides all that we just clicked and I really liked her and was looking forward to her trip back for the egg pick up as she was one cool chick.

After my previous donor experience I was a little scared Super Donor D would pull out but she did her best to reassure me she wouldn't. Next thing you know it was August and we were both taking our medications and getting ready to cycle.

Which brings me up to yesterday, egg pick up day. Boy it felt so strange not being the one to go & have this procedure. 14 eggs were collected and we find out the fertilisation numbers today. I'm excited & anxious at the same time to see how the week progresses and what happens with the embryos as I'm praying for some to freeze.

My transfer is scheduled for Saturday 8th Sept and this 2 week wait is going to kill me having to wait to find out if we've been successful or not.

Please give us the chance to be parents

Ever since the day I met my now husband it was our dream to have a family. We met in 1996 & married in 1999. I feel so lucky to have married someone I think of as my best friend & we have a wonderful loving relationship. 4 years ago (2007) we knew we were at a stage in our lives where we were ready to start the family wealways dreamed of having. Little did we know or expect that we would face such a challenge trying to make this dream a reality.We are in our mid/late Thirties (Me 39 and DH 38) and live in Brisbane. DH works full time & due to the timetables and stress IVF/ICSI has caused I no longer work full time, but run a small online business from home. We are a fit and healthy couple. We’ve been trying to conceive since 2007 & then in 2009 we had some medical tests done that showed DH had sperm quality issues & I suffered PCOS & that IVF/ICSI was our only chance to conceive.Unfortunately we have had a very tough journey starting fromMarch 2010 & completing 9 full stimulation cycles of IVF/ICSI & 1 IUI. To improve our chance’s trying donor sperm was suggested & we have done three cycles using that. It has been a physical & emotional rollercoasteras we have endured the pain of suffering 4 early miscarriages. Realising your dream then to have it snatched away from you, just made us realise even more how desperately we want to have a child in our lives. The losses did allow us for a short time, to realise the joy having a child would bring to our life. Over the course of the last 2 years we have realised that this journey is not about having a child, but about creating & becoming the little family we have always dreamed about. We have a wonderful life together with each other, our 2 cats & a lovely house with great family & friends. To have a child or children included in our lives would be the realisation of a dream we have been doing everything for, during the past 5 years. We have so much love to give & never imagined we would face an issue like this.We can’t even explain how much that a child of ours would be welcomed, cherished & loved. We have so much love we want to share with our child/children to be and we are now at the point where we need the assistance of a wonderfully generous Egg Donor to make this dream a reality.




If you are aged 18-35, are in good health & have a bmi under 34 (technichal stuff clinic told me to put down done, i didnt think it was necessary but on another site i had people over & under the age limit approach me, one with severe heriditary health problems & so on) have completed your family and are willing and able to help us achieve our dream please contact us via this site or twitter.site. If you wish to remain anonymous we will respect this and all future contact will be handled by our clinic here in Brisbane, however if you wish to meet we are open to that as well. We are in Brisbane & would prefer someone in Qld but are open to interstate donors. We will answer any questions and queries you have in order to help you reach you decision to select us & even if it is anon. We do ask one thing, that you are a genuine egg donor & have researched & know everythng that goes with this process & wont pull out when the going gets tough. Thank you for taking the time to read this.




It is very hard to know exactly what to say to stress how much we want a child or children as a part of our lives & have the family we have dreamed of. We sincerely mean every word we have written here & if you are at all considering helping us, please read my blog (link below) chronicling the path to parenthood we have travelled so far. We will make this dream of ours a reality, we just need your help. From the bottom of our hearts, would you please consider helping us.


TTC since 2007, 10 IVF/ICSI, 4 Miscarriages. Now hoping to find the golden egg with the help of an egg donor

Picking up the pieces and trying to start again

7 May 2012

So there has been a lot of mourning and thinking of the past almost week about where to from here, picking up the pieces you could say and boy where there a mess. Although we let someone in our life and they have hurt us badly we still want a family and we still need a donor (however if the previous donor had a change of heart I would have to say no as I couldn't go through that possible pain again).

We begin from scratch and try and find another donor, after what had happened my preference at the moment is anonymous but times heal all wounds and maybe someone will convince me to change my mind about that.

The past 6 days have been horrendous & painful. I can't believe any human being could put another through this kind of pain. But H & I are going to be strong and dust ourselves off and move on. Things happen for a reason and fate and that last situation was not meant to be for whatever reason.

Wish us luck as we start all over again. If you are aged between 18 -35 and feel you could be our donor please contact me through this blog contact button and if you wish to remain anonymous I will just pass you straight onto our clinic or just email asking for that info!

My original post about finding a donor last December 2011
http://pathtoparenthoodviaivf.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/time-to-make-big-change-with-help-of.html

Everything you need to know about our quest for a family is on this blog so if you want to get to see howmuch we want a child - just take a red back from the start.


Hoping you are out there somewhere.

My donor nightmare - a warning to all

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN OF THE WORST KIND

2 May 2012

Well I know in these modern times its pretty cool to do anything via text, break up with your boyfriend, cancel plans with people at a minute's notice - seemingly anything goes and listed up all you potential egg donors out there - don't want to do it anymore for any reason - just send a text to your donor saying saying
"Im gona try send u an email in the next few days, just thoulg wld let u kno Im not ready to cycle again yet, sorry late noticebut though u shld know before ur app tomoz" (gotta love how the younger generatoin spell hey!! this is at 6.15pm to when its too late to phone your Dr and cancel the appointment.

H & I obvious reaction was what the hell is going on?? When we last spoke on Sunday she was all good to go & for me to get dates from my FS. What had happened? We had not had a fight or cross words? Her first cycle got cancelled big deal, its much better than the alternative then her ending up in hospital having her ovaries drained to OHSS.

Well today I spent the day in tears & H was not much better, I wrote the donor an email last night trying to get to the bottom of it all but heard nothing, I sent a text asking if she could read my email & respond before 9.30 am so I could let my Dr know what was  happening but nah nothing. I was so distraught I phoned the counsellor we had all out sessions with and she was in total shock & no it wasn't all my side as I read to her the text messages I had sent leading up to this & following. She was again in shock and thought this donor had presented as a good candidate but she was obviously wrong.
The counsellor suggested sending a text to her asking if we could have a chat, she didn't reply so I left her a message on the forums asking if we could have a chat (which - don't laugh the banned me for - like I care I have so many email addresses I can re-join to advertise or be back on there again tomorrow if I want!!)

I dont know even now what I did,  I just said all the things that I thought were the right things and made sure she knew no blame was placed on her as what was there to blame her for?? She can't help what happened with the medication.

So read the email  my responses below & take heed, you can pay all the money for everything you need your donor to do, they can sign all the paperwork and they can take something you say & twist it around into something to make a HUGE issue of IE: nothing.


Please be careful out there as I wold hate to see this happen to another donor so steer clear anyone who apppproaches you from Egg donation Australia, as they will find you on other sites advertising and poach you to come to their site which is a little mean girls club. They want you to jump through hoops & tell them your most intimate details then if you are deemed worthy, one of them may pick you to to donate too. Then take back her promise of donation.

On a serious not writing this has helped me feel stronger and take my power back. You give people the power to make you feel bad and at the end of the day what did I really do, nothing but be kind & generous and let someone into my heart. My journey will go on and thank god this happened now & before a child was involved. If what I have to offer in the way of friendship, support & care isnt enough for you - well it is for plenty others.

And The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn

28 April 2012

Its raining and I can't get back to sleep, this past week has not been a good one & part of me thinks I should just keep it to myself, the other says, when you started writing this blog you wanted to always be honest.

This week has been a pretty horrendous one. Monday H & I had a massive argument (not making excuses but my end had extra fuel on the fire caused due to coming off the hormone treatments) & I said some pretty horrible things & didn't like some things he said to me. I got a migraine from the stress of this & the hormones. I hate fighting, I detest it because I grew up around it constantly. Nearly everyday there were raised voices & verbal attacks and on really good days things turned violent BUT that's a whole other blog which I will get around to writing one day but some of it is just to painful to think about.

I was sick of yelling & trying to get my point heard so I gathered a hand full of belongings & relocated to the spare bedroom (which is still NOT a nursery & of course was the mature thing to do!!) I proceeded to bang around the house & slam doors & if H tried to speak to me I just cut him off, I was past angry and just too hurt. I called the after hours Doctor as I needed a shot of some kind for my migraine (funny screaming & crying doesn't help migraines).

I sobbed until the Dr came then went to bed in the spare room, H asked me to come back but I told him in no uncertain terms no & if I had a really good friend close by I would leave & stay there. My childhood & the way I was raised did not give me very good relationship examples or conflict resolution ones. I have done so much work in this area and 90% of the time I no longer run away when the going gets tough, but Monday night, that was all I could do. I was devastated about our donor cycle being cancelled then the stupid argument we had & things that were said were all just too much.

Luckily this is a 2 cat house & one came of her own free will to the spare room with me and licked away the tears that fell off the tip of my nose. The shot started to help the pain but I had a bad nights sleep & when I did sleep I just had nightmares. I always believe you shouldn't go to bed angry but that night, that is what I did. I was looking forward to a day of solitude the following day when I woke to find H had not gone to work & was lying in bed sick himself now. I was past anger & asked if he needed my help or to go to the Dr? I told him what medication to take for his symptoms and if no better we would go up the Dr later that day.

Then H broke the ice & apologised (obviously he is the bigger of the 2 of us but in fairness I was surprised at his being unwell and not sure when to bring the subject up as both of us were physically unwell). H told me he was sorry for some of the things he had said and for not talking to me more about some of the other things. I apologised too and ended up in tears again as the root of the problem was infertility plain & simple. This is what people warn you about & why people say their marriages ended due to it. I thought NO scratch that, think we are a very strong couple & have overcome a lot of things together & always put the work in or seen a counsellor if needed. In particular due to things that happened to me growing up I have racked up many hours talking to a therapist & learning new behaviours.

Yesterday was the first day this week I wasn't totally exhausted & wanting to sleep on & off all day because I couldn't cope well. The fog is slowly lifting although I am still in a lot of pain due to the cycle being cancelled, to be so close then to have the rug ripped out from under you was so hard to deal with & more so as I stupidly never expected it & someone with my past experiences should have.

I tried to call my donor yesterday to see how she was doing but only got her voice mail & never heard back, I'm hoping she's just busy with her kids & not read my posts on here and making a beeline away from us! I wanted to check how she was doing & let her know I have an appointment with Dr J to discuss the next cycle and get dates etc... on Wed 2 May.

IT really gets so hard at times as apart from H I have no support in real life. My mother knew we were doing IVF & she was supportive in she wanted a grandchild but unsupportive in her comments such as during one miscarriage, telling me it was for the best as I didn't want a retarded baby. I ended up telling her we were taking a break & when she asks I tell her we are still on a break (again the relationship with my mother is a WHOLE other blog & too hard to deal with right now, I have dealt with a lot of it in therapy of the years but there is still unresolved issues & its hard when she wont admit to her part or attend a session with you).

I have some great forum friends & was brave enough to go for a lunch with other egg donors & recipients & hit it off really well with one lady in particular all were lovely but  I just had that extra specal connectnn with this on perosn).I was able to have a great chat with her about who down I felt & it was nice to speak to another female who understood.  also have some wonderful twitter friends all people I don't know apart from one or two who I have met up with.They have been so supportive with their tweets and it really helps lift my spirits. You all know who you are so thank you. My best friend who understand me really well lives in the USA & although we can skype & email I would love it if she were here.

Oh the other thing that got me today was we were told by our Dr that the cycle being cancelled would be OK and no charges etc... apart from medications& appointments. Today the clinic called and want to charge us a $1500 cancellation fee? For what I might ask? The hospital wasn't even booked so we told them what our Dr sad & we are having them look into. The clinic made so many mistakes this cycle and at the end of the day all they did was dispense out medications (incorrectly).

I think that's everything I had on my mind. Its 2am so I should go back to bed & try to get some sleep.

Hopefully good positive posts to follow, I did feel when this cycle got cancelled the universe was trying to tell me something & maybe not meant to be a mother but that's just crazy. H & I love kids so much & are pretty great with them. I'm sure someway we will get the outcome we so greatly want & desire. Having a family just means the world to us both.